Joke Thread
englishman ,irishman welshman and a scotsman in maternity waiting room englishman asks is this your first child?no says jock my son was born on st andrews day so i called him andrew .taffy says my son was born on st davids day so i called him david .englishman says my son was born on st georges day so i called him george .paddy says you wont believe this ,but wait till our pancake comes in
the virgin joke
virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *
virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *
]
When you go home, Tell them of us and say, For their tomorrow, We gave our today
When you go home, Tell them of us and say, For their tomorrow, We gave our today
cockrel and a cat ,walking down the road. they stop at the side of a stream the cockrel says im hungry so am i says the cat look over the other side of the stream theres a corn field how are we going to get across says the cat easy says the cockrel and he flies over when hes eaten enough corn he flies back and relaxes in the sun hold on says the cat what about me the cockrel says there are lots of mice in the corn field take a good run and you should be able to jump the stream so the cat takes ten paces back then runs and jumps as far as he can splash he lands a foot short the moral to this story is when ever you see a contented pecker there will always be a wet pussy
- Amy
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Not really a joke, but oh well:
Girls Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my last words.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckooclock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, damn,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
Girls Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my last words.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckooclock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, damn,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
~*~ Amy Loves Riley ~*~
CasForum's Happiest Couple
CasForum's Sexiest Female
CasForum's Happiest Couple
CasForum's Sexiest Female
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit
out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.
new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit
out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.
Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.
- normytiger
- League One Player
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Yorkshireman in a lift
A Yorkshireman walks into a building and gets into the lift. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.
The Yorkshireman doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron
The Yorkshireman doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron
Once a Tiger, always a Tiger!!!
- normytiger
- League One Player
- Posts: 2082
- Joined: 05 Jul 2006, 18:37
- Contact:
Yorkshireman in a lift
A Yorkshireman walks into a building and gets into the lift. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.
The Yorkshireman doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron that."
The Yorkshireman doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron that."
Once a Tiger, always a Tiger!!!
- Flat Capper
- Grand Final Winner
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- Location: Where ever I lay my fat
- Contact:
A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm
A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast.The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the assembly line is so backed up, that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the
factory floor.
At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast.The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the assembly line is so backed up, that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the
factory floor.
At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He wont expect you to pay him back !!!!
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He wont expect you to pay him back !!!!
-
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HAHAleo wrote:Liverpool have just signed two players for the new season, one is a Japanese international and the other is a promising young Italian U21 international, manager Rafael Benitez has said that both will fit to the scouse way of life, one is called Nikamota and the other is called Robatelli
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Re: Joke Thread
HA!Cas Forever wrote:A Man always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years his wife turned the light on, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes mad. ''You Impotent Sod! how could you lie to me all these years?'' Husband looks her in eye & says ''I'll explain the toy, but you explain the kids''
A New tacher at featherstone primary school is on her first day and is eager to brake the ice with her new pupils.
'right children put your hands up if you are a featherstone supporter'.
everyone in the class puts thier hands up apart from one little girl. the teacher walks over to the girl and asks 'if you dont support fev...who do you support'.
the little girl replies 'i support cas miss'. the teacher is quite disapointed with the girl and asks 'why do you support castleford' the little girl replies ' well my mummy supports cas and my daddy supports cas so i support cas'
the teacher angry at this point says 'well theres no point copying your parents what if your mummy was a prostitute and your daddy was a drug dealer what would you do then'
the little girl replies' well in that case miss id be a fev fan'
'right children put your hands up if you are a featherstone supporter'.
everyone in the class puts thier hands up apart from one little girl. the teacher walks over to the girl and asks 'if you dont support fev...who do you support'.
the little girl replies 'i support cas miss'. the teacher is quite disapointed with the girl and asks 'why do you support castleford' the little girl replies ' well my mummy supports cas and my daddy supports cas so i support cas'
the teacher angry at this point says 'well theres no point copying your parents what if your mummy was a prostitute and your daddy was a drug dealer what would you do then'
the little girl replies' well in that case miss id be a fev fan'
-
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:dance:Leachy wrote:A New tacher at featherstone primary school is on her first day and is eager to brake the ice with her new pupils.
'right children put your hands up if you are a featherstone supporter'.
everyone in the class puts thier hands up apart from one little girl. the teacher walks over to the girl and asks 'if you dont support fev...who do you support'.
the little girl replies 'i support cas miss'. the teacher is quite disapointed with the girl and asks 'why do you support castleford' the little girl replies ' well my mummy supports cas and my daddy supports cas so i support cas'
the teacher angry at this point says 'well theres no point copying your parents what if your mummy was a prostitute and your daddy was a drug dealer what would you do then'
the little girl replies' well in that case miss id be a fev fan'
PADDY drags a huge box to the Antiques road show in Dublin & queues up to see an Expert. Where did you get this? asks the Expert.
It's been in my loft 4 fourty years replies Paddy.
I think it must be some kind of Heirloom. 'I see' says the Expert.
Tell me, do you have insurance? "NO" Replies Paddy. Do you think I should have?
"YES" replies the expert, its your not allowed in this forum Water Tank.
Cleaned up - Sigon
It's been in my loft 4 fourty years replies Paddy.
I think it must be some kind of Heirloom. 'I see' says the Expert.
Tell me, do you have insurance? "NO" Replies Paddy. Do you think I should have?
"YES" replies the expert, its your not allowed in this forum Water Tank.
Cleaned up - Sigon
Rich_1 wrote:Don't you just love surveys?
A recent survey in London asked the following question:
Are there too many foreigners in London now?
Answer:
18% said: YES
82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط
But, they said what?
Last edited by Slash on 09 Sep 2008, 21:16, edited 1 time in total.
A British Airways jet landed at Frankfurt airport in the 1970's and was taxiing to try and find it's gate. The BA pilots kept asking traffic control for directions (apparently the controller's English was not that good) and the controller was getting rather exasperated. "Have you never been to Frankfurt before?" he demanded.
"Yes" drawled the pilot in his best "old boy" kind of voice, "but it was thirty years ago, dark and I didn't stop".
"Yes" drawled the pilot in his best "old boy" kind of voice, "but it was thirty years ago, dark and I didn't stop".
"Mr Underwood, You are truly a master of the mysteries that are not revealed to us mere mortals."
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