Joke Thread
GYNAECOLOGIST
Grace seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, ' you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were two pence's in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were five pence's and this morning there were ten pence's!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder..
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
'You're simply going through the change!!!!!!!!
Grace seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, ' you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were two pence's in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were five pence's and this morning there were ten pence's!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder..
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
'You're simply going through the change!!!!!!!!
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
The family of Wakefield Wildcat supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.
While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Cas Tigers rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Cas tigers supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!" The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." Off goes the little lad, with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas." The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Castleford supporter for an hour and already I hate you Wakey [REMOVED]!!!"
While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Cas Tigers rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Cas tigers supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!" The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." Off goes the little lad, with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas." The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Castleford supporter for an hour and already I hate you Wakey [REMOVED]!!!"
MY CLUB. MY CAS
Re: Joke Thread
'Warrington' is actually an anagram of 'Wrong train'.
Which is quite fitting, seeing as that's probably the only reason most people ever go there
Which is quite fitting, seeing as that's probably the only reason most people ever go there
WRIGHT TIME TO GO
Re: Joke Thread
How to become fit!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £5000 per month.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Last but not least, Fitness programme,
Routinely jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
stabbing others in their backs
...and pushing their luck!"
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £5000 per month.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Last but not least, Fitness programme,
Routinely jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
stabbing others in their backs
...and pushing their luck!"
Danny Boy
Re: Joke Thread
You Just Might Be A Wakey fan
* if you think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Lupset.
* if you believe you've got a set of matched luggage when you have
two shopping bags from the same store.
* if you believe dual air bags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
* if you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
* if you can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
* if the third grade teacher says little Jake could be a
mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers.
* if you think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Lupset.
* if you believe you've got a set of matched luggage when you have
two shopping bags from the same store.
* if you believe dual air bags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
* if you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
* if you can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
* if the third grade teacher says little Jake could be a
mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers.
Danny Boy
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Re: Joke Thread
Here Goes if you are offended :hand:
Spelling is important. For example, the difference between won and one- Great Britain have just won gold. Australia have just one gold.
I was in australia with the wife recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet,
I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type,
"Doc, please help me"
"Hey, what s up man?"
"My wife has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"
"Thanks doc, bye"
I was standing outside the pub lastnight having a cigerrette when a man in a wheelchair said I'm not being funny but why do you smoke when you don't need to I replied im not bein funny either but why have you got shoes on
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his flipping pram... !!!!
A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"
His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".
The sailing results are in. GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
the Chinese swimmers seem to be doing better than they did in Morecambe bay 2004 :-"
Spelling is important. For example, the difference between won and one- Great Britain have just won gold. Australia have just one gold.
I was in australia with the wife recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet,
I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type,
"Doc, please help me"
"Hey, what s up man?"
"My wife has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"
"Bummer dude"
"Thanks doc, bye"
I was standing outside the pub lastnight having a cigerrette when a man in a wheelchair said I'm not being funny but why do you smoke when you don't need to I replied im not bein funny either but why have you got shoes on
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his flipping pram... !!!!
A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"
His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".
The sailing results are in. GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
the Chinese swimmers seem to be doing better than they did in Morecambe bay 2004 :-"
CLASSY CAS
Re: Joke Thread
A sales man knocked on a door in waky, and a small snotty little boy answered the door
the sails man said is your mam in son ?
no the little boy said, shes in a mental Hospital
who sorry the man said, well is your dad in ?
no the little boy said hes at remedial center
am sorry he says , have you got a bigger brother or sister the man says ?
yes the boy says
well are they in ?
no the boy say shes at university
the man ponders for a bit , and then says just a minute your mams at a mental hospital, your dad at remedial center & your sisters at university ?????????????
after a wile of thinking the man says, what dose your sister do there ?
the boy replies,
not much shes in a bottle :-" :-" :-"
the sails man said is your mam in son ?
no the little boy said, shes in a mental Hospital
who sorry the man said, well is your dad in ?
no the little boy said hes at remedial center
am sorry he says , have you got a bigger brother or sister the man says ?
yes the boy says
well are they in ?
no the boy say shes at university
the man ponders for a bit , and then says just a minute your mams at a mental hospital, your dad at remedial center & your sisters at university ?????????????
after a wile of thinking the man says, what dose your sister do there ?
the boy replies,
not much shes in a bottle :-" :-" :-"
- Flat Capper
- Grand Final Winner
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Re: Joke Thread
Our lass wanted something black and lacy for Christmas so I've bought her a pair of football boots...
I've also promised to take her out so I've booked the best table in the house......she loves snooker.
I did think of taking her somewhere more expensive but she didn't fancy the petrol station...
I've also promised to take her out so I've booked the best table in the house......she loves snooker.
I did think of taking her somewhere more expensive but she didn't fancy the petrol station...
Spreading the Cas gene pool
Re: Joke Thread
Jesus is looking for a room for the night he walks into an inn he walks to the man behind the counter gives him three nails and says "can you put me up for the night".
what doesn't kill me simply makes me...stranger.
- Hillary Briss
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Re: Joke Thread
Odds on being next to take home the ashes
England 6/4 ,
Aussies 3/1,
Winnie Mandela 1/3.
England 6/4 ,
Aussies 3/1,
Winnie Mandela 1/3.
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Re: Joke Thread
i would not say my mother in law is ugly -but even the tide would not take her out
Re: Joke Thread
How long does it take to become a cowboy?
About a yee-ha
About a yee-ha
Re: Joke Thread
Q. What do you call a Fev lass in a white shell suit?
A. The bride
Q. What do you call a Fev fan in a detached house?
A. A burglar
A. The bride
Q. What do you call a Fev fan in a detached house?
A. A burglar
So I said to the Taxi driver, "King Edwards Close". He replied "It's alright we'll lose him at the next set of lights".
"If you listen to the fans, you end up sitting with them" - Wayne Bennett
"If you listen to the fans, you end up sitting with them" - Wayne Bennett
Re: Joke Thread
Home Games
At long last, the good-humored boss was compelled to call Freddie into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game, you have to take your gran to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Freddie. "I didn't realise that. What a coincidence!"
"Well?" the boss said after an awkward moment of silence. "Do you have an explanation?"
"Hmmmm..." said Freddie. "You think she's faking it?"
At long last, the good-humored boss was compelled to call Freddie into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game, you have to take your gran to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Freddie. "I didn't realise that. What a coincidence!"
"Well?" the boss said after an awkward moment of silence. "Do you have an explanation?"
"Hmmmm..." said Freddie. "You think she's faking it?"
Danny Boy
- Stoke Bloke
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Re: Joke Thread
Apparently the residents of Featherstone were in shock today after a police raid uncovered some 3.5 tonnes of high grade cocaine, 4 assault rifles, several handguns, 2,000 rounds of ammunition and some semtex in a lockup behind the job centre.
A local who didn't wish to be identified said "Its very very surprising you don't usually associate a job centre with Featherstone"
A local who didn't wish to be identified said "Its very very surprising you don't usually associate a job centre with Featherstone"
BE LOYAL BE LOUD BE CAS.
John 3:16
John 3:16
Re: Joke Thread
I bought my last dog off the blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
removed post it again and you will join them on a 48 hour ban read the AUP
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