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Bone!
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Post by Bone! » 28 Jul 2008, 19:49

PADDY drags a huge box to the Antiques road show in Dublin & queues up to see an Expert. Where did you get this? asks the Expert.
It's been in my loft 4 fourty years replies Paddy.
I think it must be some kind of Heirloom. 'I see' says the Expert.
Tell me, do you have insurance? "NO" Replies Paddy. Do you think I should have?
"YES" replies the expert, its your not allowed in this forum Water Tank.

Cleaned up - Sigon

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Post by Rich_1 » 09 Sep 2008, 19:49

Don't you just love surveys?

A recent survey in London asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in London now?

Answer:

18% said: YES

82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط
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Post by Slash » 09 Sep 2008, 20:08

Rich_1 wrote:Don't you just love surveys?

A recent survey in London asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in London now?

Answer:

18% said: YES

82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

But, they said what? :?
Last edited by Slash on 09 Sep 2008, 21:16, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Rich_1 » 09 Sep 2008, 20:32

Is there a God? Conclusive proof here:

http://www.400monkeys.com/God/
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Post by Bonzo » 14 Oct 2008, 11:00

A British Airways jet landed at Frankfurt airport in the 1970's and was taxiing to try and find it's gate. The BA pilots kept asking traffic control for directions (apparently the controller's English was not that good) and the controller was getting rather exasperated. "Have you never been to Frankfurt before?" he demanded.

"Yes" drawled the pilot in his best "old boy" kind of voice, "but it was thirty years ago, dark and I didn't stop".
"Mr Underwood, You are truly a master of the mysteries that are not revealed to us mere mortals."

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Post by Danny Boy » 20 Nov 2008, 09:57

I was at the cemetery yesterday and saw this grave digger walking around with a coffin, 3 hours later I saw the same grave digger still walking around with the same coffin.

I thought this guy's lost the plot!
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Post by ten » 03 Dec 2008, 22:47

Not a joke but funny.



Mc Donalds Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida…and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?â€
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Post by -Daz- » 09 Dec 2008, 01:46

[quote="ten"]Not a joke but funny.



Mc Donalds Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida…and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It s#cked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?â€

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Post by Nev » 12 Dec 2008, 18:05

A Wavey fan, a Fev fan and a Cas fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Wakey fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Fev fan was next up. After watching the Wakey fan in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Fev fan was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Cas fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!".

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Cas fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Fev fan to my back."

:lol:

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Post by Wicksy » 12 Dec 2008, 19:19

Nev wrote:A Wavey fan, a Fev fan and a Cas fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Wakey fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Fev fan was next up. After watching the Wakey fan in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Fev fan was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Cas fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!".

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Cas fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Fev fan to my back."

:lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.

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Post by GThornton » 12 Dec 2008, 22:36

Got an advent calender from woolworths the other day, but it's a load of old rubbish because all the windows are boarded up and theres nothing behind them anyway.
:lol:

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Post by -Daz- » 22 Dec 2008, 01:36

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.

She is now an unmarried single mother with three kids from three different fathers, one of them black.

Job done.

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Post by GThornton » 02 Jan 2009, 03:29

Not a joke, but was at mother-in-laws last night and she came out with a classic. She was rattling on about video games and asked if i owned one of those egg-box machines.
:shock:
Think she was talking about x-box.

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Post by GThornton » 08 Jan 2009, 20:28

In a silky white envelope with gold emboss writing and a pink ribbon and printed on the finest watermarked paper, it's not just any old P45, it's a Marks & Spencers P45.
:shock:

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Post by Normy Knight » 16 Jan 2009, 20:26

Here's a couple,

John Travolta has decided to give up acting and is set t obecome a plumber as a tribute to his son who died fitting in a bath



Teaching maths in 1970



A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit? ;


4. Teaching Maths In 2000


A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2009


A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? There are no wrong answers.

If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available .


6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخB 4ب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

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Post by Normy Knight » 16 Jan 2009, 20:32

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ..' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

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Post by Normy Knight » 17 Jan 2009, 12:28

I was at Tesco's earlier today, and a woman dropped dead infront of me.

I felt really sorry for her, she had just bought a bag for life.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

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Post by Bone! » 18 Jan 2009, 21:36

How do you know your Girlfriend is too young for you?


When you have to make Aeroplane Noises to get your **** in her mouth! :lol:

Yeah its Jimmy Car but it tickles me :lol: :lol: :lol:
.............................I

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Post by Mr. Tiger » 18 Jan 2009, 22:37

DEAN WIDDERS HAHA - funny, thought not -cas tigers robbed once again!!!!!
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Post by Normy Knight » 28 Jan 2009, 22:02

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV..

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
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