Joke Thread
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Could be arranged againforeva cas wrote:No you cant take a joke thats why I was put in prison before.
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- Cas Forever
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Go for it, better than this boring place, at least you get to take the Wee in there everyones morngy on this part of the forumSigon wrote:Could be arranged againforeva cas wrote:No you cant take a joke thats why I was put in prison before.
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there is rules on this side though. lolforeva cas wrote:Go for it, better than this boring place, at least you get to take the Wee in there everyones morngy on this part of the forumSigon wrote:Could be arranged againforeva cas wrote:No you cant take a joke thats why I was put in prison before.
get back in your car with Amy, but this time take tissues and wipe the dash board
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- Amy
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom............
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios"
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios"
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- dettoriman
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What have Wigan Athletic and a cheap engagement ring got in common.
No jewel.
Taxi
No jewel.
Taxi
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinkingâ€Â
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinkingâ€Â
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He wont expect you to pay him back !!!!
The Centipede
I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.
So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?'
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the pub for a drink?'
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time;
this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?'
A little voice came out of the box:............................... wait for it...its worth it!!!!
I heard you the first time! I'm putting my flipping shoes on.'
I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.
So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?'
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the pub for a drink?'
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time;
this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?'
A little voice came out of the box:............................... wait for it...its worth it!!!!
I heard you the first time! I'm putting my flipping shoes on.'
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He wont expect you to pay him back !!!!
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englishman ,irishman welshman and a scotsman in maternity waiting room englishman asks is this your first child?no says jock my son was born on st andrews day so i called him andrew .taffy says my son was born on st davids day so i called him david .englishman says my son was born on st georges day so i called him george .paddy says you wont believe this ,but wait till our pancake comes in
the virgin joke
virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *
virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
* * * * * * * * *
]
When you go home, Tell them of us and say, For their tomorrow, We gave our today
When you go home, Tell them of us and say, For their tomorrow, We gave our today
cockrel and a cat ,walking down the road. they stop at the side of a stream the cockrel says im hungry so am i says the cat look over the other side of the stream theres a corn field how are we going to get across says the cat easy says the cockrel and he flies over when hes eaten enough corn he flies back and relaxes in the sun hold on says the cat what about me the cockrel says there are lots of mice in the corn field take a good run and you should be able to jump the stream so the cat takes ten paces back then runs and jumps as far as he can splash he lands a foot short the moral to this story is when ever you see a contented pecker there will always be a wet pussy
- Amy
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Not really a joke, but oh well:
Girls Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my last words.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckooclock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, damn,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
Girls Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my last words.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckooclock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, damn,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
~*~ Amy Loves Riley ~*~
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit
out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.
new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a girl from Liverpool. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit
out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.
Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.
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