Joke Thread

General Chit-Chat is in here... New Members are invited to pop in and say hello!
User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 16 Jan 2009, 20:32

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ..' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 17 Jan 2009, 12:28

I was at Tesco's earlier today, and a woman dropped dead infront of me.

I felt really sorry for her, she had just bought a bag for life.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
Bone!
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 863
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 12:13
Contact:

Post by Bone! » 18 Jan 2009, 21:36

How do you know your Girlfriend is too young for you?


When you have to make Aeroplane Noises to get your **** in her mouth! :lol:

Yeah its Jimmy Car but it tickles me :lol: :lol: :lol:
.............................I

User avatar
Mr. Tiger
League One Player
League One Player
Posts: 2251
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 08:11
Location: Castleford
Contact:

Post by Mr. Tiger » 18 Jan 2009, 22:37

DEAN WIDDERS HAHA - funny, thought not -cas tigers robbed once again!!!!!
Image

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 28 Jan 2009, 22:02

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV..

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 05 Feb 2009, 23:42

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
wastedyears1981
Academy Player
Academy Player
Posts: 912
Joined: 23 Mar 2008, 18:11
Location: Eating a baloo burger in the WRE behind the sticks.
Contact:

Post by wastedyears1981 » 06 Feb 2009, 08:26

A little story. Dunno if its true or not but funny anyway.

This is the actual conversation of a US Naval Ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio coversation released by the Cheif of Naval Operations 10-10-1995.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degress south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again DIVERT your course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the aircraft carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are acompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, thats one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a Lighthouse. Your call.
Image
Image

Time is a great healer, unless its a rash. Then your better off with ointment - Holly, Red Dwarf

User avatar
Adam
Verified
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 9187
Joined: 05 Jul 2006, 17:42
Twitter: @yorkscoaster
Location: Scarborough
Contact:

Post by Adam » 06 Feb 2009, 10:34

Love it!!

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 07 Feb 2009, 01:08

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE


A woman sitting in an AdelaidePub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 18 Feb 2009, 23:37

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
Wicksy
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 5742
Joined: 06 Jul 2006, 10:06
Location: Carleton
Contact:

Post by Wicksy » 06 Apr 2009, 20:47

A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.








The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's lying, he never did any of that stuff."
Image

Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 11 Apr 2009, 10:20

So, here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...





(You're going to hate me for this ... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

Oh, quit groaning!
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
!
New member
Posts: 15
Joined: 19 Apr 2009, 22:01
Location: Behind Sticks As Ussual
Contact:

Post by ! » 20 Apr 2009, 21:13

i've got a good joke for kids:

One day a little girl came home amazed of what she had learnt at school that day. She says to her mum " Our Father who walked into Heaven hello wats your name" It must be the alternative lords prayer lol :lol: :lol: 8) :lol: 8) 8) :lol:

User avatar
Bonzo
League One Player
League One Player
Posts: 2218
Joined: 05 Jul 2006, 21:01
Location: Castleford
Contact:

Post by Bonzo » 21 Apr 2009, 10:42

Anybody know anything about Sat Navs?

I think mine's broke. It keeps telling me Liverpool's in Europe.
"Mr Underwood, You are truly a master of the mysteries that are not revealed to us mere mortals."

User avatar
Danny Boy
Verified
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 4620
Joined: 05 Jul 2006, 21:13
Contact:

Post by Danny Boy » 24 Apr 2009, 09:57

Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighbourhood.

One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologising profusely he explained, ''I am blind, and didn't see you there.''

''Perfectly all right,'' said the snake, ''because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.''

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, ``This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?''

''Why, no,'' said the rabbit. ''Go right ahead.''

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, ''MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit.''

''Why, that's right!'' said the rabbit. ''May I feel you?''

''Go right ahead.'' said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. ''Yuck!'' he said. ''You're cold...and slimy... you must be a Wakey supporter!''
Danny Boy

User avatar
Wicksy
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 5742
Joined: 06 Jul 2006, 10:06
Location: Carleton
Contact:

Post by Wicksy » 24 Apr 2009, 10:58

Danny Boy wrote:Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighbourhood.

One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologising profusely he explained, ''I am blind, and didn't see you there.''

''Perfectly all right,'' said the snake, ''because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.''

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, ``This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?''

''Why, no,'' said the rabbit. ''Go right ahead.''

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, ''MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit.''

''Why, that's right!'' said the rabbit. ''May I feel you?''

''Go right ahead.'' said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. ''Yuck!'' he said. ''You're cold...and slimy... you must be a Wakey supporter!''
That is so poor . :lol: :lol:
Image

Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.

User avatar
Danny Boy
Verified
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 4620
Joined: 05 Jul 2006, 21:13
Contact:

Post by Danny Boy » 25 Apr 2009, 16:17

If you think that's bad, you're gonna hate this one Wicksy!

....an airline captain was showing a new blonde stewardess the ropes. The route they were flying had a hotel stay in New York. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only two doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Danny Boy

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:06

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '[REMOVED] dat. Dis budgie jumping is too [REMOVED]'n dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE...





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET...





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'[REMOVED] dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his hengliding!'
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:08

Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

User avatar
Normy Knight
Championship Player
Championship Player
Posts: 8407
Joined: 07 Jul 2006, 20:49
Location: Chilling.
Contact:

Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:13

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Person nel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready..'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center..

No doubt you have spoken to him... I know I have.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
http://www.normantonknights.co.uk

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 14 guests