Joke Thread

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Post by Normy Knight » 30 Apr 2009, 11:18

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.




On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.




The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.




He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.




As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,




after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.




The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.




Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.




Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.




Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.




As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and




walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.




The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.




The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.




Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.




Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.




He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.




The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs




and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
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Post by Wicksy » 30 Apr 2009, 19:02

Four old retired boys are walking down a street in
Cas They turned a corner and see a sign
that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 pence'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is
too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that
carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for
you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men
ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up
four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll
be 10 pence each, please.' The four men stare at the
bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...They can't
believe their good luck. They pay the 40 pence, finish their
martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the
bartender again saying, 'That's 40 pence, please.' They pay
the 40 pence, but their curiosity is more than they can
stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have
spent less than a pound. Finally one of the men says, 'How
can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for ten pence
a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Glasshoughton ,' the bartender said, and
I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery
for £125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink
costs ten pence......wine, spirits, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help
but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who
didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered
anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at
the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the
bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from
Wakey, They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half
price.'
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Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.

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Post by Normy Knight » 01 May 2009, 21:35

Confessions of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it
is time I made a confession.



Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years .



The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few
tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'







She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales. . ..



_____________________________________________________________________
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
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Post by Casmania » 11 May 2009, 22:49

Plans to make the new TV series CSI in Featherstone have been scrapped after producers discovered no one had any dental records and everyone had the same DNA.
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Post by Wicksy » 14 May 2009, 22:53

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 'Father, it
has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month.' The priest tells the sinner; 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.' This time the priest asks; 'Who is this
Fannie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's.'

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with
matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?' The altar boy replies, .............. --------------



























'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes
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Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.

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Post by Casmania » 18 May 2009, 20:25

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his son. "I want you to get me a Leeds Rhinos shirt and take me to a match at Headingley before I die". The son was surprised at this as the old man had always supported Cas' all his life, but he agreed to sort it out. Four days later, the Whinos had a home match so, at great expense the son arranged for the bed, the life support and all the monitors to be taken to the South Stand for the big event. The old man, wearing his newly acquired Leeds shirt sat in the bed and dutifully cheered Leeds on while the son watched on amazed. A few days later the old man, doubled up with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the son leaned over and said, "Please dad, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Leeds fan so badly before you died?". In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man smiled and said: "One less @#@?!!!@ Loiner...!"
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Post by Wicksy » 18 May 2009, 21:18

Casmania wrote:An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his son. "I want you to get me a Leeds Rhinos shirt and take me to a match at Headingley before I die". The son was surprised at this as the old man had always supported Cas' all his life, but he agreed to sort it out. Four days later, the Whinos had a home match so, at great expense the son arranged for the bed, the life support and all the monitors to be taken to the South Stand for the big event. The old man, wearing his newly acquired Leeds shirt sat in the bed and dutifully cheered Leeds on while the son watched on amazed. A few days later the old man, doubled up with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the son leaned over and said, "Please dad, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Leeds fan so badly before you died?". In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man smiled and said: "One less @#@?!!!@ Loiner...!"
LOL
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Maybe they don't want to stand down because they want to rectify the mistakes they've made in seasons gone by.

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Post by Normy Knight » 25 May 2009, 11:23

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
>
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
> I said, 'Dust.'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
>
> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
> "No," she answered.
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And then the fight started....
>
> ******************************************
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up my
> fishing boat up to my 4x4 and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
> bad all day.
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
> My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
> is out fishing in that?"
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I bumped into a car this morning.
>
> So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
> out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
> little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He
> was a DWARF!!!
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
> And then the fight started.....
>
> *****************************************
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
> I bought her a set of scales.
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive...
> so, I took her to a petrol station.
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home.
>
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
> and come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
> my curly silver hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
> she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
> She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have
> gotten disability, too.'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> a nearby table.
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> hasn't been sober since.'
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first.
> "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
> Nah, she can order for herself."
> And then the fight started...
>
> ******************************************
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
> And then the fight started.....
Carlsberg don't do Soldiers, but if they did, they would probably be Brits.
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Post by Danny Boy » 23 Jul 2009, 08:56

Does anyone on here know how to cancel a bid on ebay?

I put in a bid for a Mickey Mouse Outfit and realised that I'm only half an hour from owning Wakey!
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Post by GThornton » 23 Sep 2009, 17:28

The Potato Family
A potato family is eating dinner.
The eldest daughter says that she has an important announcement:
She's marrying Tater Tot. The family approves, since Tater is rich and high ranking.
Then the 2nd oldest daughter says she has an important announcement:
She's marrying French Fry. French Fry is also rich and high ranking.
Then the youngest daughter says she has an important announcement:
She's marrying Eddie Hemmings.
The family boos, since Eddie Hemmings is just a common-tater.
:D

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Post by GThornton » 23 Sep 2009, 20:24

GYNAECOLOGIST

Grace seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, ' you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were two pence's in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were five pence's and this morning there were ten pence's!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder..
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

'You're simply going through the change!!!!!!!!

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Post by C454L1F3 » 21 Jul 2010, 09:30

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
:D :D :D :D

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Post by Danny Boy » 18 Nov 2010, 20:20

News just in....
STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...STOP PRESS...

The Irish SAS have just stormed Dublin Zoo, they've killed three Gorilla's and released all the Ostriches!
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Post by Casmania » 03 Jan 2011, 02:20

The family of Wakefield Wildcat supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.
While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Cas Tigers rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Cas tigers supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!" The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." Off goes the little lad, with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the Cas jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Castleford supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas." The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Castleford supporter for an hour and already I hate you Wakey [REMOVED]!!!"
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Post by Danny Boy » 31 Jan 2011, 01:01

How did the chimpanzee escape from his cage?

He used a monkey wrench!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Tiger Mad » 26 May 2011, 19:46

'Warrington' is actually an anagram of 'Wrong train'.

Which is quite fitting, seeing as that's probably the only reason most people ever go there
WRIGHT TIME TO GO

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Danny Boy » 23 Dec 2011, 16:14

How to become fit!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £5000 per month.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Last but not least, Fitness programme,
Routinely jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
stabbing others in their backs
...and pushing their luck!"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Danny Boy » 25 Dec 2011, 01:42

You Just Might Be A Wakey fan

* if you think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Lupset.

* if you believe you've got a set of matched luggage when you have
two shopping bags from the same store.

* if you believe dual air bags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

* if you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

* if you can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

* if the third grade teacher says little Jake could be a
mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by C.o.C_is_Back » 08 Aug 2012, 22:04

Here Goes if you are offended :hand:

Spelling is important. For example, the difference between won and one- Great Britain have just won gold. Australia have just one gold. :D

I was in australia with the wife recently, when she was stung on the minge by a hornet,

I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type,

"Doc, please help me"

"Hey, what s up man?"

"My wife has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Thanks doc, bye" :D

I was standing outside the pub lastnight having a cigerrette when a man in a wheelchair said I'm not being funny but why do you smoke when you don't need to I replied im not bein funny either but why have you got shoes on :oops: :oops: :D

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his flipping pram... !!!! :lol: :D :lol:

A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"
His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?". :lol:

The sailing results are in. GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth :o

the Chinese swimmers seem to be doing better than they did in Morecambe bay 2004 :-"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Frankas » 20 Dec 2012, 22:08

A sales man knocked on a door in waky, and a small snotty little boy answered the door

the sails man said is your mam in son ?
no the little boy said, shes in a mental Hospital
who sorry the man said, well is your dad in ?
no the little boy said hes at remedial center
am sorry he says , have you got a bigger brother or sister the man says ?
yes the boy says
well are they in ?
no the boy say shes at university
the man ponders for a bit , and then says just a minute your mams at a mental hospital, your dad at remedial center & your sisters at university ?????????????
after a wile of thinking the man says, what dose your sister do there ?
the boy replies,

not much shes in a bottle :-" :-" :-"
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